On the bathroom floor, again. The same coldness. The same funky feeling.
It comes like a very good enemy. It sneaks out and hurts before you know it. I reach for something to hold on to, but there’s nothing there. It’s never been anything there. So I hug myself. And sobs. No one cares to know what people do in their bathrooms. Or everywhere, it seems.
The questions remain the same. How do I get this lonely? How do I get this empty? How this exploding pain bursting out of my skin, I feel like screaming and hurting myself? How do I suddenly feel that nothing matters anymore, that everything is a lie and my whole life is a piece of shit?
I scream with no sound. I scratch my skin.
Now he’s gone. Now there’s no one I can call and I can count on anymore. No arms to hug me, no ears to listen to me. Everything is taken away from me. What’s the point of living?
Sunrise. You know? And leaves. And cool breeze that touches your skin when you move.
People laugh.
I’m not a part of that world. It’s such a wonderful world but I will never be a part of it.
Sunrise. You know? And leaves. And cool breeze that touches your skin when you move.
People laugh.
I close my eyes. I cover my ear. I don’t want to hear anything. I don’t want the images to get into my brain. It feels good, and it feels hurt, and it feels more confusing then before, just like what I’ve always known. The same edge. Death and life. I hope I can stay still in one side but I’ve never been in any side. I wish I was.
Do anything to survive. Kiss your scars.
Let go of anything. Go.
I tighten my hands on my ear. The voice gets louder. I bend down on the bathroom floor, scratching the surface. This is it. The moment I can’t never get out of. It gets louder. And louder. And louder. I try to look for anything to hurt myself. Knife, mirror, anything—and I slip—
I open my eyes. Cold. Right side of my cheek on the floor. Water all over my body. Maybe I passed out. I don’t remember. Some blood on the flowing water to the drainage. But it has stopped.
And the urge has gone. The explosion cools down. I’ve never felt so exhausted and I let myself laying on the bathroom floor. Who cares. No one cares about what anybody does in bathroom either.
But it’s gone. I made it.
Do anything to survive.
